Funny Quotes about Marriage
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.
Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.
– Rory Elder
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
– Michel de Montaigne
One day my wife’s credit card got stolen.. what a relief it was to find that the thief spends less than my wife!
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
The four most important words in any marriage…”I’ll do the dishes.”
Marriage marks the end of a love story and the start of a wrestling match. Wishing you the very best of everything anyway.
In our marriage everything is 50/50. I cook, he eats. I wash, we wears. I shop, he pays!
Funny Quotes on Marriage
Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.
– Ogden Nash
If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.
– Sigmund Freud
Marriage is like a poker game. You start out with a pair. She shows a heart. He flashes a diamond. She gets a flush. And he ends up with a full house and a big pot!!
– Ken Murray
I not spoken to my wife for 18 months. I did not like to interrupt her.
Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.
People say you cant live without love, but I think oxygen is more important.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or new wife.
– Prince Philip
You know… There is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time… Husband!
– Bill Maher
Marriage is when a man looses his bachelors degree and woman gets her masters degree.
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late.
There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.
– James Holt McGavran
A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers.
– Grace Hansen
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
– Zsa Zsa Gabor
Some people walk into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts. Others walk into our lives and we want to leave footprints on their face!
Funny Marriage Advice Quotes
Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not.
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong admit it;
Whenever you’re right shut up.
– Ogden Nash
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
– Mignon McLaughlin
To avoid mistakes and regrets, always consult your wife before engaging in a filtration.
– E. W. Howe
When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.
– Helen Rowland
Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years.
– Simone Signoret
Married men live longer, but they are also more willing to die in more than one way!
Marriage is a sacred institution, everyone who does it ends up with their own private room eventually.
– Frank Insana
Before you got married, you were madly in love with each other. Now you will’be be mad at each other as well.
To keep the fire burning brightly there’s one easy rule: Keep the two logs together, near enough to keep each other warm and far enough apart – about a finger’s breadth – for breathing room. Good fire, good marriage, same rule.
– Marnie Reed Crowell
My husband and I married for better or worse!! He couldn’t have done better and I couldn’t have done worse!
Funny Quotes on Marriage and Love
The secret of a happy marriage is still a secret.
A happy man marries the girl he loves; a happier man loves the girl he marries.
My wife is a psychologist…not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.
– Lee Judge
I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
– Rita Rudner
When a couple is arguing over who loves who more, the one that gives up is the real winner.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said; after marriage, he’ll fall sleep before you finish saying it.
A kiss is a lovely trick, designed by nature, to stop words when speech becomes superfluous.
– Ingrid Bergmen
An archaeologist is best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
– Agatha Christie
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
– Phyllis Diller
Love is blind, but marriage restores its sight.
– George Lichtenberg
They say love is blind…and marriage is an institution. Well, I’m not ready for an institution for the blind just yet.
– Mae West
No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single.
– H.L. Mencken