Funny Quotes about Marriage
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
– Unknown
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
-H.V. Prochnow
Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.
– Unknown
Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.
– Rory Elder
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
– Michel de Montaigne
One day my wife’s credit card got stolen.. what a relief it was to find that the thief spends less than my wife!
– Anonymous
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
– Unknown
Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.
– Anonymous
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
– Unknown
The four most important words in any marriage…”I’ll do the dishes.”
– Anonymous
Marriage marks the end of a love story and the start of a wrestling match. Wishing you the very best of everything anyway.
– Anonymous
In our marriage everything is 50/50. I cook, he eats. I wash, we wears. I shop, he pays!
– Unknown
Funny Quotes on Marriage
Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.
– Ogden Nash
If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.
– Sigmund Freud
Marriage is like a poker game. You start out with a pair. She shows a heart. He flashes a diamond. She gets a flush. And he ends up with a full house and a big pot!!
– Ken Murray
I not spoken to my wife for 18 months. I did not like to interrupt her.
– Unknown
Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.
-Joey Adams
People say you cant live without love, but I think oxygen is more important.
– Anonymous
When a man opens the car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or new wife.
– Prince Philip
You know… There is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time… Husband!
– Bill Maher
Marriage is when a man looses his bachelors degree and woman gets her masters degree.
– Unknown
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late.
-Max Kauffmann
There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.
– James Holt McGavran
A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers.
– Grace Hansen
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
– Zsa Zsa Gabor
Some people walk into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts. Others walk into our lives and we want to leave footprints on their face!
– Anonymous
Funny Marriage Advice Quotes
Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not.
– Unknown
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong admit it;
Whenever you’re right shut up.
– Ogden Nash
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
– Mignon McLaughlin
To avoid mistakes and regrets, always consult your wife before engaging in a filtration.
– E. W. Howe
When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.
– Helen Rowland
Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years.
– Simone Signoret
Married men live longer, but they are also more willing to die in more than one way!
– Anonymous
Marriage is a sacred institution, everyone who does it ends up with their own private room eventually.
– Frank Insana
Before you got married, you were madly in love with each other. Now you will’be be mad at each other as well.
– Anonymous
To keep the fire burning brightly there’s one easy rule: Keep the two logs together, near enough to keep each other warm and far enough apart – about a finger’s breadth – for breathing room. Good fire, good marriage, same rule.
– Marnie Reed Crowell
My husband and I married for better or worse!! He couldn’t have done better and I couldn’t have done worse!
– Unknown
Funny Quotes on Marriage and Love
The secret of a happy marriage is still a secret.
– Anonymous
A happy man marries the girl he loves; a happier man loves the girl he marries.
– Anonymous
My wife is a psychologist…not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.
– Lee Judge
I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
– Rita Rudner
When a couple is arguing over who loves who more, the one that gives up is the real winner.
– Unknown
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said; after marriage, he’ll fall sleep before you finish saying it.
– Unknown
A kiss is a lovely trick, designed by nature, to stop words when speech becomes superfluous.
– Ingrid Bergmen
An archaeologist is best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
– Agatha Christie
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
– Phyllis Diller
Love is blind, but marriage restores its sight.
– George Lichtenberg
They say love is blind…and marriage is an institution. Well, I’m not ready for an institution for the blind just yet.
– Mae West
No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single.
– H.L. Mencken
